giving the hormones a voice

It's 7:45 on a Wednesday night.  

My mom left today and I have to say that I really miss her -- a lot. 

She did so much for us.  Cooking and cleaning and answering all my questions.  Getting up with Madeline and getting her to sleep for 6 hours straight on two different occasions! {woot woot}

It was really fun to have my mom to myself {my family}.  Being the oldest of 9 kids you don't have a lot of one-on-one time with parents, and it was really fun to have her for a few days.

Between my emotions exaggerated finally making an entrance the past couple days, my mom leaving, and Jeremy leaving for work {leaving me just me and Madeline home} it's turned out to be a fairly teary night.  And Jeremy only left at 7:30.... It's going to be a long night.  Its kind of one of those nights I just really want to be held by Jeremy and forget about all the worries of the world.

Is it normal to worry about your baby?  I cried myself to sleep last night worrying that she's going to get sick, or I won't notice if she needs something.  I constantly have this fear that I'm going to wake up and she'll be gone. That this will all have been a magical dream. It's hard to explain a mother's love for her child. Different than any other kind of love I've experienced.  I'd do anything for her. 

Part of me hopes she'll stay like this forever.  She's so small, perfect, and beautiful.  The other part of me can't wait to see who she becomes.  She changes every day and it's exciting to anticipate what tomorrow holds in store.  What we'll learn about her that day. 

Well, compliments of one of my favorite Christmas movies, Home Alone, on ABC Family tonight, some ice cream and cuddling with this beautiful and entertaining little girl, I think I'll make it through the night.

"See ya later!"

Madeline

welcome to the world

{Madeline Anne Wells}

Born Monday, November 21, 2011 at 9:23 am

8 lbs 10 oz, 21 inches long

We're so happy to have you in our family forever.

Things I Learned in 24 hours of Motherhood

1. There is nothing like being a mom.

2. Breastfeeding isn't as easy as it looks... 

{But we've made great progress - hurray!}

3. Nothing is as soft as Madeline's cheeks.

4. The little coos and sighs she makes melt my heart.

5. There's a strange yet unavoidable anxiety that comes along with Motherhood.  You'd think I'd be fine letting her go to the nursery just while I showered, but no.  I was freaking out the whole time.

 6. Somehow even her poop is cute

{Remember I said it's only been 24 hrs... I realize that this will wear off probably pretty soon}

7. Watching Jeremy become a Dad is almost as good as becoming a Mom.
 I have a newfound love for him I didn't even know existed.

8. It's amazing how entertaining it can be to just sit and look at your peaceful sleeping child.
I could do it for hours -- ok maybe I do do it for hours...

9. Snuggly babies are the BEST!

10. I'm slowly learning to appreciate even more a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I love Madeline and His desire for me to fulfill my potential and return to live with Him someday.
I can't imagine a life with out a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.  And I have a new found sense of gratitude for the Atonement that makes the whole plan possible.

{Madeline just a few hours old in the hospital}

Birth Story

**FYI I started this and wrote most of it a few hours after she was born.  Hopefully that helps make more sense as you read on.  It just needed some editing I haven't gotten around to til now**

I know it seems crazy that I'm writing this already.  Most people seem to take a month before posting the birth story on their blog - but here's the thing.  I am a firm believer that if you don't write something down soon after it happened, then the details become a little fuzzy and it's hard to completely capture all that you were feeling.  So due to the fact that I'm miraculously not that tired {yet} and I have most likely 48 hours til we leave the hospital, I have decided to shock you all and tell you how it all went down.

{If you missed the "Pre" Birth Story, aka what I wrote this morning, you can find it here}

I believe we left off at about 5:00am and I was kind of frustrated with life... yeeah...

Well I managed to make it to 6:00. Everything changed after that.  (Did I mention I was on pitocin all night? Ok well I was.  They didn't want her in there for too long after I started leaking the amniotic fluid). The doctor came in and decided to really break my water.  It had a tear in it last night and that's why I kept having the small gushes of fluid.  He broke it and all of a sudden I could feel the contractions! I was no longer just an uncomfortable pregnant lady - I knew I was in labor.  Jeremy's hand got a lot of squeezing over the next thirty minutes.  At that point I decided, "I'm going to end up getting an epidural.  I pretty much already know that. So why wait?" The nurse said that considering how fast and how hard my contractions were coming an epidural really wouldn't slow things down much.  She checked me and I had already progressed to 6 cm and still 90%. 

So the nurse got me all set up for when the anesthesiologist came in that way it'd go faster and I'd be relieved that much sooner {btw its not that easy to maneuver all over a bed when you're 9 months pregnant and there are tubes and wires and gauges and monitors all over/in your body}.  Finally I got to where she wanted me.  Next thing I know she's telling me the anesthesiologist who likes to put in epidurals that way is just getting off his shift and this other doctor is going to do it.  But he likes it when you are positioned this way. Peachy... Get all situated for the next doctor - oops! 'I can't put in epidurals left handed!' Switch to the other side of the bed. gah...  Really it wasn't that bad.  

The nurse was super nice and she'd been working for the past 12+ hours so it worked.
We finally got to where we needed me to be.  

Once the epidural kicked in it was wonderful! I could just watch the little monitor telling me I was in immense pain and not even bat an eye.  We did have a little scare when baby's heart beat dropped really fast and the nurse couldn't get the belly monitor to pick up a stronger beat.  So in went a new monitor right on her head.  Her heart beat was flawless and Jeremy and I finally sat back and relaxed. 

Less than an hour later, however, I started feeling the contractions again.  I was pretty sure my state of bliss had started out better than this.  So in came the anesthesiologist again and after lots of experimenting he figured it out.  Something was wrong with an air bubble in the tube? I don't know.  At the time I was thinking "breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe."  Finally he got it up and running again.  The nurse checked me once more and I was 10 cm and 100% effaced!

 Wah bammm! {This was about 8:30 by the way}

The nurse was impressed and started getting everything set up.  The doctor was going to be a while, but she figured since this was my first she could let me practice pushing a little cause 'nothing was going to happen'.  On push number three I was crowning {I would like to say that push number one shouldn't really count because I didn't know what to do yet! I guess it counts though haha}.  As soon as she saw baby's head she yelled "WOAH! STOP!" Apparently I'm just too good at this baby making/having thing lol.  This was probably about 9:10am.  The nurse didn't want to deliver the baby alone, so we waited patiently for the doctor to get there.  I think that was my favorite moment from the entire day.  Sounds kind of ridiculous, but she she told me I was doing so well, especially for my first time and that Madeline would be out in no time, I couldn't control myself.  The hormones took over and I realized how good and right everything felt.  I was so proud of my body and all the wonderful things it could accomplish - labor and delivery kind of being the climax of that.  I knew that very soon I'd be holding my sweet little girl in my arms and everything would be ok. 

Mean while I'm still having a lot of serious contractions.  Not painful, but strong pressure - I could feel that.  She was already descended partially down the birth canal and with all the pressure I was feeling I was slightly afraid that with or without my help, if the doctor didn't get there soon, she'd make her appearance doctor-less.  

Luckily Dr. Melendez made it in time.  My biggest fear about delivery was having to have an episiotomy.  But considering the tearing alternative I'd come to the conclusion that if it had to be one of them, I'd trust the doctor to snip-snip-snip.  The doctor quickly evaluated that I would need an episiotomy.  And I said, "Alright. Whatever it takes. Lets just get this baby here!" I listened to a few sickening snips and he was done.  It didn't hurt - physically - but I really didn't like listening haha.  One solid push and her head was out.  Jeremy told me she had lots of dark hair and I could hardly believe it! Another push and she was out.  That was it! Jeremy cut the cord, and Madeline was whisked to the corner of the room to be weighed and cleaned off a bit.  I think I would have preferred to just have her tossed on my chest, but I was so in awe of everything that had just happened that just watching her from a distance was satisfying.  My uterus pushed on my placenta on it's own and that was it.
Labor/Delivery Accomplished.

The next few minutes were kind of a haze of disbelief.  A million things were flying through my mind: "Had I really just had a baby? Oh my goodness I'm not pregnant anymore! And it feels GOOD! Is that really my baby over there? She's so beautiful.  Look at those eyes. She has the most beautiful cry. Where's Jeremy is he ok? Wow this doctor isn't skipping a beat getting my stitches put in. Is Jeremy taking pictures? I can't believe this is happening!" {And lots of other things I can't remember now...}

Before I knew it Madeline was in my arms.

{I'm sorry the picture is such bad quality -- I sort of deleted the ones on our camera and this was just on Jeremy's phone. No we don't have smart phones.  We're poor people}

It's hard to explain how many ways my life has changed in the past week, but it's been the best week of my life. {Yes better than our honeymoon - and I know Jeremy would agree} But not better than our wedding day. {Sorry Madeline but Daddy takes that cake :) You'll understand someday}.  I've never felt this kind of love for anyone.  I spend most of my nights awake nursing her and somehow it's not that much of a chore because I'm just so in love with this little face!

There are so many things I want to write down to remember and share with you but I can't remember all of the wonderful things that happen and she does.  I will say that one of our favorite things is watching her smile as she sleeps.  Somehow she manages to smile at the perfect time that coincides with one of our conversations.  OH and the other night she was laying on me and filled her diaper in a hurry.  She was asleep and the noise/feelings scared her so much she jumped. It was HILARIOUS! hahaha! She's grown and changed so much in just one short week and I can't decide if I want to watch her grow up or just hold her as this beautiful tiny little baby forever.  Luckily I don't get to choose - she'll grow up. But I'm sad that it's already going by so fast. 

And now our Little Miss Madeline and I are heading to bed.  We love our snuggle time :)

A "Pre" Birth Story

It is 4:45am on November 21, 2011.

Last night I was laying in bed around 8:30 and was quite surprised to find the bed a bit wet when I got up.  

I quickly came to the assumption that my water had broken, or was at least leaking.  After a few more surges of water, a confirming phone call from my mom, and an anxious husband's decision that we needed to go to the hospital now we headed to the car.  I had a huge fear that I was making everything up and that we'd get to the hospital and they would tell us "Sorry! You can head back home... you're not in labor." As we headed out to the car we tip toed so as to not let any of our neighbors see the obvious caravan of a very pregnant woman and her husband laden with a hospital bag, car seat, camera bag, and backpack.  Again - because of my fear that it would be a false alarm and a very amusing story to all of our friends and neighbors. 

We arrived to the hospital about 10:00.  As we approached the Labor and Delivery Desk I kind of laughed and said, "I think my water broke... " Luckily they took me more seriously than I took myself.  They escorted us to a large delivery room and began doing a few simple tests.  Sure enough, around 10:30 it was confirmed that my water had broken and we weren't going home with out a baby in our arms.  

I can't even explain the multitude of feelings I experienced as I sat there, being poked, prodded, asked a million questions and signing a million papers.  It was as if it were all too surreal.  Could this moment we've been waiting for the past 9 months really be here? Are we really in a delivery room? Wait - are we ready for this?  

Seven hours later the feeling of awe is long gone.  It's not fun having an IV in your hand that is surprisingly painful.  I don't like having my blood pressure checked every 15 minutes.  I'm thirsty and hungry and the only thing I can do about it is suck on ice chips (or wait til they melt... haha... rebel).  I'm hot and uncomfortable and hospital beds are WAY over rated.  I wish we were at home, and I was sound asleep.  Maybe we should have taken our time getting to the hospital... I'm only dilated to 3.5cm and 90% effaced.  Oh - and I'm not hurting at all! The contractions hardly phase me.  I'm ready for some real progress, to get this baby out of here and into my arms.  But it looks like that won't be for a while.... The pitocin they're giving me is only doing so much.  

So here I am at 5:00 in the morning, exhausted from watching the big hand of a clock move slowly around in circles.  Hopefully you find this little pre-birth story amusing, all you moms out there.  

kluvyoubye

On the Night You Were Born

Today we received a very special package from two very special people.  

My Grandma and Grandpa Miller are currently 

Presiding over the Albuquerque New Mexico Mission.

They've been faithfully serving for the past year and a half - and have just that much more time to go.  While we miss them terribly, we're grateful for their magnificent Christ-like examples.  Leaving your home and family for three years to watch over a bunch of 19-23 year olds (mostly men) can't be an easy chore.  But they are doing it with smiles on their faces.  

When I was born, Grandma and Grandpa 

became grandparents for the first time.

And when Madeline is born, they will become great-grandparents

{But we already think they're great!}

Inside this package was three very special books.

The first is called Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.

I remember my parents reading this to me when I was little. 

And of course no book collection would be complete without the ever classic Goodnight Moon!

{Who doesn't love Goodnight Moon?}

And finally this new little treasure that I had never read before. 

I couldn't help but tear up as I thought about the magical night we'll celebrate with the world on the night that our Madeline is born.  If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it.  It definitely became one of my favorite childrens' books in a matter of minutes.  

Here are a few of my favorite lines:

On the night you were born,

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you

and the night wind whispered,

"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you...

ever in the world.

Heaven blew every trumpet

and played every horn

on the wonderful, marvelous

night you were born.

I wish I could share the whole book with you, 

but then you wouldn't get to appreciate all the great artwork, too.

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa for thinking of us and adding to our little book collection.  

We can't wait to read these books all together as a family :)

Love Jeremy, Sarah, and Madeline

P.S. Isn't it just the best thing in the world when you find out you have a thoughtful, romantic husband? {Referring to the post before this one}

Ok... I realize that sounds kind of bad.  Let me see if I can say this better. I've always known Jeremy is amazing and wonderful, but to be perfectly honest, he isn't the overly romantic 'chic-flic' kind of guy you see in movies.  Which is fine.  I love him just the way he is! But its kind of fun to know that he can think of cute things all on his own with out hints. Does this make sense? Or am I just totally throwing him under the boat.  I guess I'm trying to say, I never would have thought Jeremy would think of doing something so sweet, but he did! And I'm happily surprised and glad to know that there is some creative juices flowing through him 

{He claims there aren't any}.  

Ok I'm gonna shut up now and stop making things worse.

kluvyoubye

TWO-sided love

One-sided TWO-sided love

Sarah doesn’t know that I’m writing this, and I'm not much of a blogger or a good intriguing writer, but I always read her blog and feel like everyone that’s reading this should know that she doesn’t just love me, I love her too! I promise it’s not a one-sided marriage.

She always talks about how grateful she is for the things I do, but for once I want everyone to know that I am grateful too. I loved how on my birthday she had to get a sparkly card just to rub it on my face. I loved how much time she spent trying to decide which of Madeline’s outfits to put in the hospital bag. When I’m at work she always sends me texts letting me know how and what she’s doing. When I get home I find a note that she’s written me telling me how much she missed me and then goes on to tell me what she did/didn’t do that evening. I love those notes!

Here they are on the wall behind my computer. I love reading them

I love coming home and finding her asleep, but a note saying how hard she tried to stay up and wait for me, but just couldn’t. I love how she tells me all about her day; the ups and downs, funny things that happened, and the spiritual ones too. I love how she calls it “rambling” even though I love to hear it. I love how she really tries to do as many dishes as she can before she gets tired of standing there with swollen feet. I love watching her as she sits and stands and lays in awkward positions trying to accommodate an already needy baby, knowing that after Madeline is born she will be just as needy, but Sarah will be a wonderful mother and just as (if not more) accommodating. I love how selfless she is and constantly strives to be.

We have these pictures hanging up in our living room, 

and sometimes when she’s not home (or when she is and just not looking) I stare at them and wonder how I got so lucky to marry that beautiful bride. But then I look at the pictures of my beautiful eight-and-a-half month pregnant bride and think the same thing. As you all know, she’s so excited to be a mom and she tries every day to convince Madeline to come out so we can see her kick and move and cry and dress her up and take pictures or undress her and take pictures too.

Lately we’ve both been worried that after Madeline is born our relationship with each other will change. It probably will to some degree, simply because babies are needy! But I still hope and pray that we can still laugh and joke and talk and watch our favorite TV shows and go on walks and do a lot of the same things that we do now, but with a baby.

I am so grateful that I get to spend eternity with this wonderful woman. She helps me every day to be a little better, a little more caring, a little more Christ-like. I wouldn’t want to endure and enjoy the struggles of mortality with anyone else. I love you Sarah!

Sporting the Bjorn

Somebody's excited to be a 

{DADDY}

Isn't he cute?!

{Mommy and Madeline think so too}

I sure love this guy

I know that probably half of the posts on this blog are about how awesome my husband is, but that's because he is!  Funny story:

Lately I've been having a lot of more painful contractions {still not regular unfortunately...} Anyways, I'm wincing on the floor in major pain, can't even stand up straight, and Jeremy thinks it would be a fantastic idea to tell me about a scripture in Genesis about how God told Eve, "IT'S GONNA HURT!" He then proceeded to pull out the scriptures and show me the exact reference {You know, just incase I wanted to look it up later or something? We're still working on the whole when Sarah is in pain we jump to her side and massage/hold/do whatever she commands thing}  As the pain began to let up he showed me another scripture in John saying that 'I'll forget all about it once I hold her in my arms'.  Thanks honey haha. HA.

BUT he redeemed himself by giving me a long overdue mini-pedicure.

{ L O V E }

Hopefully not much longer :) We can't wait to hold you Madeline!

Patience and Pineapples

I'm learning very quickly that when it comes to this baby 

I am not a very patient person.  

All of a sudden I just REALLY want her to come! 

I'm ready to go to the hospital and get-r-done!

You know how when women go past their due date they start doing all those "myths" to get their contractions going?  

Well I may have tried a few harmless ones during the past few days.  

No acupuncture or castor oil - I'm not that impatient, but you know, 

lots of walking and pineapple.

mmm.... so good!

too.much.pineapple.

yeeah....

That's right.  Last night I ate (almost) 

an ENTIRE PINEAPPLE all by myself! 

{Jeremy had a few bites}  So far I'm sad to report that no changes have been witnessed.... It's a good thing I like pineapple or this would have been a really miserable experience haha. We still have one more pineapple in the fridge that I think I'm going to try and eat most of with dinner.  The worst part is my tongue gets so raw! But if there's even the slightest chance that it could put Madeline in my arms sooner, I'm willing to give it a shot :) 

It feels good not to be just sitting and waiting but actually contributing somewhat to the coming of this miraculous event!

Other than that we don't have much to report around these parts.  We were supposed to get snowed on but thankfully that didn't happen.  Jeremy and I went on a rather long walk this after noon and it was {COLD}

I decided I'm ok with hanging on to fall for a few more weeks.  

Happy 37 WEEKS! We're officially full term!

kluvyoubye

The Waiting Game....

I know what you're thinking - it's a bit early to start playing that game. 

 I know.  And I wouldn't have started playing, 

but yesterday my whole mindset changed.  

{My mom's probably rolling her eyes, because I called to ask her advice yesterday and made her promise not to tell anyone because I don't want to feel like an idiot thinking she's coming only to wait 3 more weeks...}  But you know me mom, I just have to let it all out some way or another and publicly might as well be that way.

So yesterday as we were walking home from class I started having sharp pains about where I'd imagine my cervix is.  You know in medieval movies when the bad guys are trying to break into the castle and they have to break down the big wooden doors.  They take like a huge tree trunk or something and repeatedly slam it into the doors {If you have no idea what I'm talking about the first few seconds of this Lord of the Rings clip kind of demonstrates it}  That's what it felt like.  Like this little girl kept gearing up to slam her head over and over again to "open the gates".  And it was every couple of minutes.  It hurt a lot {not as much as I imagine being in actual labor will hurt} but enough that Jeremy's hand got a lot of tight squeezes.  But I was still walking through them and talking through them.  We made it home, and they were still coming pretty consistently, but I wasn't feeling any 'contractions'.  Or what I imagined real contractions felt like.  I texted my mom asking her to describe her contractions to me - she called in less than a minute haha.  She said just keep monitoring them and keep track of how long and how often.  Of course I didn't have a single one after that... yeeah... But later I started having either really strong Braxton Hicks, or pathetic little contractions.  My abdomen kept tightening up and there was some downward force, but nothing really painful.  Went to bed half expecting to head to the hospital sometime during the night - yeah... we're still here.  Still having the same "contractions" pretty frequently and a few of those 'open the gates' pains.  

Its so frustrating because I wasn't even planning on getting paranoid/excited for at least a few more weeks.  And now here I am, practically convincing myself she's gonna get here any day now.  Gah.... This morning Jeremy and I decided we're just ready to have her haha.  I wish it were that easy.  We've yet to pack the hospital bag - I guess we should probably get on that... Part of me says "be ready! Any day now!" and the other part of me says, "Who are you kidding... you've got plenty of time!"  So I guess we'll just keep waiting.  Oh by the way, looking up real mom's explanation of what their contractions feel like is not very helpful.  EVERYONE is DIFFERENT! Its crazy.  So who knows what mine will be like.  So far I've proved to be different than my mom so there goes my best guess ha. Well that's probably enough rambling for now.  Jeremy and I have decided however that we're going to go for a long walk this evening :) You know, help her along lol.  Its weird, I thought I'd be scared or nervous, but I'm really not at all {yet}.  Just ready to go for it and meet this little girl who I've been living with the past 8+ months!  Alright, here I am rambling some more... I'm going to go get ready for class and finish up some laundry.  We'll keep you posted!

kluvyoubye