a life worth living

Last night I found myself struggling to find sleep.

It was late.

I was tired.

And yet my restless mind resisted.

In the past three days we've learned of two separate incidents that resulted in nine murders. I'm not naive enough to think that things like this don't happen. But in my life they don't happen to people I have a connection to.

My heart is aching.

It feels as though the end is coming faster and faster. Wars and rumors of wars, all manner of natural disasters... There is no denying the prophets have foretold these days for centuries. I've known it was coming. I was taught from an early age to prepare to live in these days. It's never frightened me because I know I'm on the right side. I know that HE will win. 

The struggle I've found is... Nobody told me how my heart would change as a parent. I didn't anticipate the fear and anxiety for what might happen to my children. 

My mind has been racing from one idea to the next, seeking a solution to the questions that plague my thoughts. How do we protect our family? How do we raise them in the world but keep them safe from it? Will we be able to lead them to righteousness? Will they make choices that will bring them  the joy we want them to have? What if someday our names are in news headlines? What if they don't choose right? What if......?

The answer is, as Jeremy reminded me, "We do our best". We turn to the Lord and we do our best. And when our best isn't good enough we fall at the feet of our Savior and He will lift us up. He will carry our burdens and we will keep going. One foot at a time. One day at a time. 

In the grand scheme of things this life is but a moment... a beautiful life and a life worth living.

on a rainy day in may

As much as I love cool, rainy days, they aren't really a friend to mothers of young children. By nine o'clock you start counting down the minutes to quiet time and another countdown begins for when daddy gets home. 

I might as well confess, for those of you who don't already know, I'm a bit of a chocoholic. And basically, the only thing worse than a long, rainy day stuck inside... is a long, rainy day stuck inside with no chocolate in the house.   

My thought process went something like this:

WHY IS THERE NO CHOCOLATE IN THIS HOUSE!??!

Oh wait.... don't we have a few cubes of melting chocolate left over from Christmas on a top shelf somewhere in the kitchen? WE DO!!!!!! 

*dance party*

But what would I do with it? Eat it straight? I'm not quite that desperate... Do we have any pretzels?

No... dang it. 

Graham crackers? 

*sigh* 

Wheat thins don't seem like they'd do the trick... 

Animal crackers? 

WE HAVE ANIMAL CRACKERS!!!

Believe it or not, Madeline was totally game with dipping her favorite snack in chocolate.  

We sorted the broken crackers from the whole ones, talked about the different animals and had a really great hour just being together.

Most importantly, we both made it to quiet time and neither of us threw a tantrum :)

happy mothers day

It's fitting, I think, that I'm writing this at 4:30am the morning after mother's day, hoping a certain baby in this house will soon go back to sleep, but I did want to quickly jot down what a great mother's day it's been. 

Jeremy went above and beyond this Mother's day making sure I felt loved and appreciated, and I sure did. He gave me a beautiful framed picture of our family in addition to a wonderful meal and giving me a lot of extra help with the kids. I think mostly, though, I just feel loved that on a daily basis he is such a wonderful partner. He makes being a wife and mother easy and enjoyable and I truly am grateful for that. And grateful for the sacrifices he makes allowing me to be home with the kids all day every day like we both have felt is best.

I'm grateful for the chance to be a mom. Madeline and Luke are the best kids I could ever ask for and I love being their mom. In fact is a privilege to be their mother.

I know there are those, including one of my closest friends, who haven't yet been able to bear children. I've glimpsed the ache she feels and am overwhelmed with happiness when I think about the day she becomes a mom. By whatever means it happens, whether in this life or the next, that is one of the days I'm anticipating most in my existence. I'm grateful for what she has taught me about motherhood.

I'm really grateful for my mom and all she's done. She is one amazing woman. I could go on and on, but I'll just say that I didn't realize how much she really is super woman until I was on the phone with her this week. She had kids home from school for all manner of illness this week. One sister had a stomach bug and was starting to throw up while we were on the phone. Obviously I was fine hanging up and finishing our conversation later, but she just tucked the phone between her shoulder and her ear and said,"Oh it's alright. She's almost done." Hello multi-tasker! Maybe I'll be that good when I have eleven kids too ;) 

Grateful for my mother-in-law for helping make my husband who he is today. Grateful for the future mothers my sisters will be and for my sisters-in-law and all they've taught my about motherhood.

I've been so overwhelmed today by the kind words people have shared about their mothers in church and on social media. Isn't it amazing that a holiday can unite so many people from so many different walks of life? And such a worthy holiday, too. 

Finally, I'll add that we got to Skype with my brother Christian who is on a mission in Argentina and it was such a treat. It's amazing to me to see how much he's grown and changed and what a remarkable man he has become. Hearing he and three other missionaries sing "Called to Serve" in Spanish was a special thing to witness.

So to your mom and my mom, to every mom around the world, whether they have borne a child or not, Happy Mother's Day. What a privilege it is to be a woman.

easter family picture

Walking home from church on Sunday we walked past an middle-aged woman sitting on a bus stop bench. I noticed she was dirty and unkempt. Silently I judged her and complained to myself that she didn't have the curtesy to wait an extra ten seconds before lighting up her cigarette. I mean at least wait until my kids are past you lady!

She didn't wait and I felt her exhale surround my family in a film of smoke. 

But something happened that I didn't anticipate. With that breath she wished us a happy Easter. She told us what a beautiful family we were and how great we looked in our Easter clothes. She made a special effort to greet Madeline on her level and then she suggested that we remember to take a family picture that afternoon.

Time and time again I am reminded of the goodness people. Reminded that we are all children of God. That our Savior suffered for not just me, my family and friends, but for all people. He loves us equally and I would do well to remember that.

Of course we didn't get to that nice family picture... We did manage to take a few pictures together after skyping with family... just incase, you know, you haven't had enough photobooth pictures lately ;) But we pretty much wore what we wore for our family pictures on Luke's blessing day and you can see those here.

The past few weeks have been hard. It's pretty amazing the things life teaches you... I was talking to a friend after a really hard couple of days and she commented on how well I had handled everything. She told me she was proud of me for dealing with this particular situation so well. All I could really say was,"It's amazing how powerful the Atonement is when you allow it to work in your life." And I really do believe that. 

Life is hard, but it is GOOD. Hard things make us stronger when we trust in Him. There isn't much that excites me more than feeling myself grow. Even when it's hard and I don't know how everything will work out, trusting in Him and allowing Him to lead me, it's exhilarating. 

There's been lots of growing lately and I'm sure I have more growing in my future, but I'm grateful for the opportunities I'm given to become better. Grateful for a Heavenly Father who is in control and grateful for Christ who made it all possible.

p.s. my cousin showed me this article explaining the connection of the bunny and eggs to Easter. I figured I should show you after my little rant yesterday. Thanks Alexis :) 

p.p.s. I still think the world should cool it on the Easter presents....

for me I am enough

I crawled into bed last night exhausted from a long day... most days are with a toddler and a baby still needing nightly nourishment. Not long after my head sunk into the pillow, a wave of self-destruction coursed through my tired brain. I thought about how heavy I'd felt all day. Remembered the feeling of disgust when I caught my reflection in the mirror and found the person staring back to be shaped differently than I'd prefer. I wished to be thin, to have clothes fit me better. Heavy. Fat. Unattractive. Gross.

And then as if somehow he knew my thoughts, two strong arms encircled me and rescued me from my self-inflicted torment. The two strong arms that sealed his life to mine for all eternity. In my ear I hard him whisper, "You know you're beautiful, right?"

His large masculine hands coursed all edges of my body. My imperfections, my flaws. He touched it all. No flinching as he reached my stretched and scarred belly; signs of two children there bourn are not hard to find. This man who loves without holding back, who helps me love me when I can't, for him I am enough.

My body is beautiful. It is a sacred gift from God. It was created by Him as He saw fit. Though it may not yet be perfect, it is of eternal worth. It is strong and it is beautiful. It was created to experience joy, sadness, hunger, growth, pleasure and pain. To give my spirit the chance to act on the choices it makes. To love in sacred intimacy and bring new life into the world. I am the offspring of a divine being. I have inherent worth. Despite my mortal imperfections, I am beautiful. For me I am enough.

                                       

I wrote this over a month ago in the middle of the night and forgot about it until now.  Felt like it was still worth sharing.

I have this dream...

Or maybe it's more of a wish? No lets stick with dream, it feels more romantic, which is most definitely the feeling I am trying to convey. And in this dream, I get a full night of sleep. I wake up when I'm rested and when the soft light of morning wakes me. Not when the baby wakes up hungry or when I hear "let it go, let it go!" being sung from the baby monitor (which is terribly cute, I must admit, but this is my dream remember?).  In this dream, rather than change two diapers and get everyone fed as soon as I'm woken up, I go for a run in our overly safe neighborhood that does not require me to stop and look for cars at every block. After my run I come home to a still and quiet house, help myself to a bowl of cereal and eat at my own leisurely pace. Not having to scarf it down before being asked to share by Madeline or having to run and help her with something. 

I shower in this dream without hearing a crying baby, or is that my imagination? I'm not on parade in my birthday suit for my two year old who keeps opening the shower curtain, leaving me freezing. I take a long, hot shower. Did I mention hot water is endless in this dream?  I blow dry my hair without having to stop Madeline from unwinding all the floss and filling her potty with hair bows. 

I'm not tied to a schedule of nursing, naps, snacks and diaper changes in this dream. I spend my day listening to my pandora station and working on things that fill my soul. I blog, I take pictures, I sew, I garden (haven't actually done this one, but it sounds nice in my head...), I paint, I create. I lay in a hammock and listen to the wind blow through the trees. I don't have to rush to get supplies out as soon as the kids are down for naps, then hurry and put stuff away a short forty minutes later. Time is no issue. It's just me and the stillness. The highlight of my day is completing a project, not that my two year old pooped in the toilet. There is no endless scattering of dishes, toys and books. I don't have to pick up the living room ten times in the course of the day. There is no traumatic five o'clock hour, no rushing to get dinner ready, no whiny children and no hungry husband. No cutting everything into bite size pieces only to have them be rejected. Nothing stopping me from eating a hot meal in peace.

I go to bed when I'm ready, feeling rested and satisfied. I don't stay up late finishing the things I couldn't get done during the day. My cup is full and I feel whole again. 

I get another full night of sleep, and wake up to... my family. My beautiful, wonderful, busy, sometimes chaotic, very needy but oh so perfect family. And I am happy. Happy they are there again. Glad they're my forever. Grateful that they need me. Because by golly I need them too.

Someday I'll have a day like that, probably more than I'll want. Someday I'll miss the tiny feet tip toeing into my room because "shhh... kiet (quiet), Wuke (Luke) is sleeping" only to have her forget a minute later exclaiming that the iPod isn't working. Someday I'll long for this precious stage of life filled with ups and downs and more love I ever knew was possible. This truly is a great life I have. But I wouldn't mind just a day to myself  :)

did I mention we had a baby?

Better late than never seems to be my life motto right now, but hey, we're rolling with it.  I've been working through a lot of I-want-an-education-but-it's-just-not-working-with-two-young-kids-right-now issues. Tried the online degree thing and it just wasn't working for a number of reasons. Chief among them being that getting a degree in something that's an option just because you want to graduate from college and not because it's something you are passionate about proves to become a chore very quickly and that's not really how I want to feel about my education years from now when I look back on my life.  My grandma Teddy is my hero these days. She got her degree later in life when she had the time, energy, and money to pursue it and loved every minute of it. The other day I took the final for the online class I've been trudging through to finish for the past year. I had to go to a local community college to be proctored. So here I was sitting in this tiny testing room, feeling nostalgic for BYU and the testing center (say what???) and a little bummed that it just wasn't meant to be right now, all while trying to do well on this test and anyway, there were just a lot of thoughts and feelings going on in my head and heart, when in walked a woman in at least her forties, sitting down to take a test, and I'll tell you it took all of my will power not to stand up and start clapping for her. I wanted to hug her, congratulate her, tell her how proud I was of her. I figured that maybe that was against testing center policy...? So I refrained, but you go girl!

Having our kids right away was the right decision for us and I don't regret it one bit. That doesn't mean, however, that I'm not looking forward to "my time" someday. Whenever that day does come and however it happens, I'm looking forward to it.

Anyway, when Emily of Jones Design Company started her Graphic Design mini series and then announced she would be selling an online Simplified Graphic Design course it felt like the answers to a million prayers. Spots were limited so I registered the very minute it opened up. It's been so great. I did the first half the day I started and it's like my brain is exploding with "mind blown" again and again. Stuff I've been trying to do in Microsoft Word for years that just really doesn't work because that's not what it's for and now with the touch of a button in Adobe Illustrator I can make it happen just the way I envisioned it. And the scary thing is I just barely know the basics! I'm loving this class, loving this new craft and form of art that I've been trying to do for so long but didn't really know what it was or what tools to use. I literally slept one hour last night because I was too excited to sleep and when I finally did calm down my mind was bombarded with idea after idea after idea. 

Feeling happy. Feeling satisfied. Feeling grateful for this answer to prayers. Glad to be able to continue my education even if it's informal for now. There's going to be a lot of changes around here in the coming months, and I'm like a kid on Christmas Eve just thinking about it!

being a mom is hard

Today I'm feeling grateful that a day is only twenty-four hours, and also that close to half of that time one of my kids is asleep...er... in her room for the night...

...because being a mom is hard. There I said it. It's hard. Not so much that I have any regrets about my choice to be a mom, not even the timing of it all, please don't get me wrong. I am very happy with this stage of life and where I am right now. Often we have days where I love every minute with my kids and I miss them while they sleep at night. But needless to say, today is not one of those days. 

I feel like often I do all in my power to give the impression to myself, as well as others, that I have it all together. That every day is blissful and my children just play nicely, smile for yet another picture I can post to instagram and life is really quite perfect. Which I guess *cough*cough* isn't particularly true...

But on the flip side of all of that, I also feel like the moment I give in to complaining and focusing on how hard daily life can be, I'll be sucked into a vortex of negative chaos that will never let up. 

I don't really know where all this is going, other than to share that it's on my mind, and I hope you don't think I'm perfect or anything. (And you're all like,"I don't know where you got the idea anyone thinks you're perfect... We all know you're a hot mess..."  haha... yeah..) 

But really, how does one find the balance between being vulnerable and honest about when times are hard, and pushing through, focused on the good times. I'll admit, it brings me a lot of happiness to scroll through pictures on my phone and remember all the happy times with my family. I like reading through old blog posts and putting myself back in that moment. Maybe that makes me a total snob? But hey, it makes me happy and I don't plan on changing. 

So if I do try to give the impression that I have a beautiful life that usually runs pretty smoothly, if I do focus on capturing the great moments rather than the hot-mess moments, if not quite pretending, but almost, I have it all together more often than not make me a dishonest person?  And is it shallow that I'm happier when I'm showered, well dressed and feeling accomplished? I realize that my worth is inherent, but does it mean I have poor self-worth if I like myself better when I am acting put together? That's just like "faking it til I make it", right? I'm really just acting the way I want to feel and there's nothing wrong with that... right? But am I really faking it? Because I do feel like on a scale from one to ten I'd give myself like a nine and a half. Not because I'm perfect and my life is perfect, but that I truly do find beauty in my life, with where we are as family right now. I'm happy. I love my life. Crappy car, undecorated walls, floral couches, lumpy bed and all. (Not that I wouldn't change every single one of those things if we could afford it ;) 

Well, I don't really know that we got anywhere with all that rambling, but I do feel better. Thank you blog for being a place to let my thoughts run wild and allowing me to be vulnerable, even if all I'm doing is admitting to the world that my mind needs two maps, a GPS, a compass and a whistle to follow. Just ask Jeremy, he knows :)

to the big sister

^ "Hi baby Luke" ^

A little miss at our house has gone under-appreciated for far too long, and I think it's time we fixed that.   She has been more than wonderful from the get-go. I'd read somewhere that it's a good idea to have the new baby in the crib when the older sibling walks in at the hospital, just so they don't feel threatened by mom holding someone else, you know? I figured why not, I want to take every opportunity to make the transition easier on her. Well when she walked through the door I had my arms open ready to give her a big hug and she pretty much brushed right past me and said, "I want to hold baby Luke!!!" And it certainly wasn't in a I'm-ignoring-you-mom-because-you-left kind of a way, she was just really excited to be a big sister and excited to meet this 'baby Luke' everyone kept talking about :) 

Even coming home she's been so so wonderful. Better than I could have asked for. She's pushed the boundaries a little, but what two year old doesn't? Especially one going through a major life change! She's handled everything like a champ. Even tantrums haven't been an issue, which I felt certain they would (and I suppose they still might be coming, it's not as if we're through the two's) but oh my goodness I'm so grateful for her. She's been such a dream from the day we held her for the first time.

Madeline hasn't just been compliant with her new situation, either. It's pretty obvious that she LOVES her baby brother. She frequently tells strangers in the grocery store all about Luke. She's the first to say, "bless you Luke" when he sneezes and often rushes to his aid when he's crying, giving him his binky and singing "Twinkle Twinkle" or "My Heavenly Father Loves Me". 

You know how people say you fall more in love with your spouse watching them become a parent, or a parent again? Well that is certainly true. But what I didn't expect was to fall so much more in love with Madeline. I won't deny I was nervous about having two kids. Not so much the work load, but having enough love for everyone. Seems kind of silly now, but I was really worried I wouldn't be able to keep loving Madeline the way I have for two years, and worried that I wouldn't be as good a mom to Luke as I was to Madeline for her first two years. I look back and I kind of laugh at myself. Sure I might not shower as often, dinner doesn't get made as well as Jeremy might like, but love is certainly not in short supply here. I read that looking forward to having another baby can feel like you have one candle in a dark room and it feels like you'll have to split the light and put it into two separate dark rooms, but really you're just adding a candle to the room and the room is getting brighter and brighter. That's definitely how it's felt for me.

This morning I was just so tired. I'm always tired, but I really couldn't get my butt out of bed! She'd been up since 5:30 and pretty much just found ways to quietly entertain herself. Jeremy got her breakfast before he left for school, but after that she'd kind of been on her own. I eventually got a movie going for her (sigh... it's such a slippery slope!) but even after that ended it was another half hour or so before I managed to get myself awake and out of bed. I came out of our room, half expecting to see all the laundry I'd folded the night before, but not put away, strewn across the living room. I assumed all the toys, crayons, dishes and everything in her reach would be out and I'd spend the rest of the morning catching up. But no, she was quietly sitting on the couch playing with her blanket. This child is a gem I tell you! Of course at that point I was in tears because how did I get so lucky? And am I taking advantage of her? I walked over to where she was sitting and told her I was sorry for not playing with her. She said it was ok and offered me a hug, which I gratefully took. I told her how special she was and how much I loved her and then asked what she wanted to do. Without hesitation she responded, "have a yogurt?" That's all she wanted. She'd asked a couple times already and I'd said no. And she had obeyed! She all too easily could have just gotten one herself, but she'd listened. When I said yes she pretty much jumped off the couch and ran to the fridge. But then ran right back and said,"Mommy have one too?!" What a simple wish, yogurt with mommy. She then proceeded to ask me what kind I wanted, then fetched a yogurt for each of us and we sat down to a mommy-daughter yogurt date. Madeline with peach yogurt and me with raspberry. And then, of course, just as we were finishing Luke woke up ravenously hungry, but it was a good five minutes just eating and talking. Something I'm to resolving to do more of with my favorite girl.

Miss Madeline I love you so much! Thank you for being such a good big sister. Thank you for being our first born, for being "My Girl". Thank you for helping me to be better. What a privilege it has been to be your mother these past twenty-six months. I can't imagine life without you. I love you so much.

Love, Mommy

Sunday was a really great day

Maybe it was just the fact that we (other than Jeremy) got out of the house for the first time in almost a week, but Sunday was a really great day. We weren't as late to church as we have been the past two weeks (getting anywhere on time with two kids is next to impossible fyi), Sacrament meeting was great, Sunday school was phenomenal and YWs gave me a lot of personal insight I hadn't known I needed. It was just a great day. Then we came home and the kids both took great naps, I got to take a nap for like two hours (it was much needed), and Jeremy made a delicious turkey dinner almost all by himself. I really didn't help that much. It was pretty much thanksgiving in January. We had ended up with a frozen turkey we really didn't need so we finally decided to clear our the freezer! There's so much room in there now. We got to skype with my in-laws and I got to finish off the day curled up with my husband and baby. Madeline would have been even better of course, but she doesn't do much curling up and holding still, and she was in bed ;)

This is starting to feel really scatter brained and random, but I just want to remember what a great day Sunday was. I love Sundays, I love spending time with my family, and life is good - crazy and hectic - but good.

some thoughts on this pregnancy as it draws to a close...

I realize it could be another week or three before we're holding baby boy in our arms for the first time, but I've been thinking a lot about this pregnancy. Well obviously. It's hard not to think about pregnancy when your belly gets in the way of just about everything and you're in the bathroom every fifteen minutes because your bladder is officially the size of a marble... But aside from all that homestretch stuff, I've been thinking about how this pregnancy has been so much better than with Madeline's pregnancy. And that has nothing to do with her, I've been better this time around and it's made a huge difference! 

When I started my pregnancy with Madeline my mindset was totally off. I treated those nine months as a chance to put my feet up, eat whatever sounded good and twice what a normal person would eat because I was, "eating for two". Somewhere I heard early on that too much cardio was dangerous for the baby, (what the???) so I avoided exercise like the plague. Where do all these myths come from? I was an idiot to believe them. All of them. Poor Jeremy was my slave for those nine months because, "I was pregnant and he should have to do everything for me." Gah it makes me so angry thinking about it. Pregnancy isn't a disease. It isn't a time to have an excuse for everything. Definitely it's a time to be very aware of your body and it's limitations, and not a time to start pushing yourself further than you have before, but it's completely natural. Our bodies are made to do this. 

Needless to say I've been much better this time around. Sure I could have eaten better and exercise more often, but I've been so much better than before. It probably helps that I have another child I've been chasing around every day, but it's been more than that. My mindset has been different. I've been different. I've been happier and healthier. I haven't loathed every day of my third trimester, in fact I've really enjoyed it. At this point (38 weeks) with Madeline I was already trying everything I could to get labor going. I ate two pineapples at 37 weeks... I was miserable and ready to be done. But now I'm fine. I'm great! I actually have a ton of energy, I'm loving life, and sure I don't want to be pregnant forever, but I'm not counting down the days. 

Life is so much better when you're embracing life and living in the moment instead of looking ahead to what comes next. I'm happier when I'm busy and making healthy choices. How I hope I can remember these feelings with my next pregnancy... 

And if all that talk isn't enough to convince myself next time, these pictures ought to do the trick. Twenty pounds lighter this time around, from the same starting point. All the pictures were taken at 36 weeks. Pregnant with baby boy on the left and with Madeline on the right. 

mother's day

One of the things I've loved most about this stage of life I'm living is the deepening love and admiration I've come to have, in a new and greater way, for my mom. There are a lot of parallels between my life now and her's when I was young. I was her first born, her Madeline. She was supporting a husband in Medical School early in her marriage, I'm doing the same, but Dental School. I've really come to love not only my mom and who she is now, but who she was then. I think about my young mother often. What would she have done in the situations I find myself in? How did she get through another day of tantrums? Or I think about how she did it. She made it through having a baby, and having two, and three, and four... (I'm not thinking about the possibility of nine). Thinking about that gives me hope that maybe, just maybe (with a lot of phone calls to my mom) I can do this.

She has truly been a wonderful light and example in my life. Sometimes I wish I could go back to high school, slap myself in the face and say, "YOU HAVE AN AWESOME MOM! STOP YELLING AT HER ALL THE TIME!" I think back to a road trip, just the two of us, driving to Provo, Utah where she'd drop me off for college. How for the first time I realized how great I'd had it. I realized how much I was going to miss her. How blessed I've been to have such a wonderful mother. Now I want to slap my siblings in the face and tell them to start listening, because being a mom is hard and I can only imagine how much harder it is when there are teenagers involved. 

So here's to my mother. My kind and gentle, selfless mother. Here's to my amazing mother-in-law and the life she's living as well. Here's to my sisters-in-law, friends, aunts and grandmothers. Here's to Madeline for making me a mom, for teaching me and stretching me to growth I couldn't previously imagine. Here's to the future women and mother's I hope to be paving a righteous path for. Here's to the generations of women that have gone before me who I know are helping me on. If anything mother's day makes me want to be better. I'm so grateful for a day to relax but now I'm feeling ready to come back better.

How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father for ordaining families as the central unit of society. For calling women to be mothers. For giving us a purpose and so many unique characteristics that make us women. I love being a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend. I am a daughter of God. There are few things in life that ring more true to my soul. Happy Mother's Day.

a little piece of heaven

 ^^smelling the flowers :)

About a week ago we loaded up our picnic basket Trader Joe's bag and headed out to meet some friends at a garden we had recently been told about (Sherwood Gardens if you want to know more. Thanks Ann for the sweet tip!) It was more than I ever could have imagined. Thousands of tulips bloom each year creating an almost sanctuary. There were lots of families sharing dinner and children running around, but it maintained a wonderful peace at the same time. I couldn't believe how many tulips we saw. Madeline loved sniffing the flowers and touching them too.... luckily the couple she destroyed had already been picked by another child.  The sun was setting leaving us in that not-quite-chilly spring evening air. Absolutely beautiful. A little piece of heaven right here in Baltimore. I've decided that whenever we get some family members to come visit us we'll have to ensure that it's in the spring because so far Baltimore can't be topped this time of year.

p.s. Sorry for so many flower pictures lately. They are just so beautiful! If you missed the others and care to see them you can look here and here.

twenty-one

Today is my twenty-first birthday. I am twenty-one years old. And while the world may look at this milestone as a time for booze and careless living, I'm feeling particularly grateful for the wonderful life I've come to be living.

I'm grateful for life. For who I am, for the plan my Heavenly Father has for me. I'm grateful for my loving husband who married me as a teenager even though many people told him he'd regret it. I'm grateful for the faith he had in me. I'm grateful for my beautiful daughter and for the blessing it is to stay home with her each day. I'm grateful for the beautiful apartment we live in. For a wonderful ward, amazing friends and the chance we have to be living here in Baltimore. My life feels full and complete right now. Not perfect, I still have my trials, but I'm happy.

My expectations weren't high this birthday and my family can tell you that's never happened before. I'm just grateful to be here. Grateful that on April 29, 1992 at 5:01 in the morning my parents gave birth to a little girl. I'm grateful that I've had so many awesome birthdays and chances to celebrate me. It's true I would have loved a birthday where my husband didn't have tests to take and study for. And I really would have appreciated a day full of sunshine and a trip to the zoo with Madeline (especially after spending the past two days sick & inside), but a rainy day will have to do. I still love the rain. 

my favorite little things

It's often the little things in life that keep me going. A kiss on the cheek from my husband. Seeing the tulips bloom on my street. Hearing the early birds chirping. An afternoon with my camera or sewing machine. An email from a friend or a tasty treat like a frosting graham cracker. These are a few of my favorite little things.

I love to fly

I have always loved flying.  There's an almost magical energy that flows through even the smallest of airports. People are coming and going. All for different reasons. Business, funerals, weddings, vacations. Everyone is experiencing change. Everyone is different. It's exciting. Especially for a people watcher like me. I love wondering what I'll order for my precious complementary beverage even though I know - Sprite. Always. Bringing favorite snacks that keep one particular little mouth busy. Anxious adrenaline rushes fill a day of travel. Take off, landing. I'm childish with excitement. But yesterday I was especially grateful to be traveling with my two favorite people.  They seem to make any experience brighter. Even a day of flying.