"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not"

{February 17}

Today marks the one year anniversary of the baby we lost.

I had only been pregnant for a couple of days, but those couple

of days mattered and losing a baby is never easy.

I don't ever remember being in so much pain,

both physically and emotionally.  It was worse than giving birth.

Maybe because there was no reward or maybe it really was just that bad.

I've been thinking a lot about it the past few weeks, knowing it was coming

and wondering how I would feel.  That day replays so vividly in my mind.

Experiencing it was like watching myself from the corner of the room.

{you can read about my experience here}

I remember trying everything I could to escape the pain.

Screaming out for help, but no one came.

Blaming myself and yearning for an explanation.

What could possibly be doing this to my body? 

And why would Heavenly Father take away something

that had brought so much happiness to this newly formed family 

who not only wanted to start their family, but would strive to raise

them in a home filled with love and righteousness?

 Hours later I found a glimpse of peace when Jeremy got home. 

He held me tightly in his arms and finally I found sleep.

At the time I felt empty.

At the time I felt alone.

But one scripture repeatedly came to mind.

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not"

{Doctrine and Covenants 6:36}

I surrendered and trusted the Lord.

And you know what, He really did know what was best for us.

He had a plan for us that we could not then see.

One month later, to the day, we found out we were, again, expecting.

He knew we needed this beautiful girl to be the firstborn of our family.

He knew of her sweet spirit and the happiness she would bring.

I love Madeline more than I could ever describe.

The light she's filled our lives with is truly magical.

Today would be much harder with out her in my arms.

But it's still hard to think of the spirit we lost.

Hard not to wonder who they would have become.

 I know our Heavenly Father knows us each individually.

He knows what we need and He'll do what He thinks is best for us;

What will help us learn and grow so that we can return to live with Him.

How grateful I am for a God who isn't afraid of giving us trials, 

because with out them, we wouldn't appreciate the blessings He gives us.